Don't eat anything!
by DragonReader
Summary: , “Really Cam, how many times have you read our mission reports? What’s the one thing that really should have stuck out, especially in this situation?”
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** had this come to methe other dayafter watching Jack and Harry eat the plants on "Paradise Lost" 

back when I was in the Navy on the Kennedy, the guys would get into this "gas war" as I put it. they would purposely eat stuff that would give the raunchiest gas they could and try to stink each other out. well I for one was very glad that I had severe sinus problems and couldn't smell anything. 

well on with the story

* * *

"Off-World Activation" the klaxon blared into the control room. Sgt. Harriman glanced up to General Landry and stated, "It's SG-1's signal, sir." 

He received the nod. "Open the iris" came the usual command from the General.

Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter was the first through the gate, which was unusual enough as it was, but since she was coughing and holding her T-shirt up over her nose, General Landry rushed down to the embarkation room to determine what was going on.

As he neared her, the rest of the team finished stepping through the Stargate, also coughing and holding their shirts over their faces. Colonel Carter turned to Colonel Mitchell, "Really Cam, how many times have you read our mission reports? What's the one thing that really should have stuck out, especially in this situation?"

"Don't eat anything!" Daniel finished for her, glaring at an increasingly amused Cameron Mitchell.

"What's going on?" inquired General Landry.

"General, I regret to inform you that it has become apparent that something has died within Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c informed the befuddled General.

"What?"

The next sound that was heard in the Gateroom was something that only could be described as a wet hissing whine. Then the General noticed that Teal'c, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter promptly put as much distance between themselves and Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell as they could. The next thing General Landry noticed was his eyes watering and the worst odor he has ever experienced assailed him. Sheepishly, Mitchell raised his hand, acknowledging his responsibility. The security defense team suddenly took several steps back and dropped their weapons to cover their noses like the rest of SG-1 was doing.

"Oh, Gawd, Colonel, that came from you? What did they feed you?"

"Sorry, General, it looked so much like my sweet ole' Grannies Famous Southern Greens, that I just couldn't resist."

With murder in his eye, General Landry ordered, "If you don't get to the infirmary immediately, I will personally choose the location where Dr. Lam will find the industrial air freshener to give you an enema with."

Sgt Harriman, having observed all this from upstairs, decided that he was suddenly very glad that his station was in the control room and not in the Gateroom or anywhere near the infirmary.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ooohhh, Sam."

"Yes, Cameron."

"Hurry Sam, I need it."

"I know Cam, hold on I am almost there."

"Oh My God, Sam, please!"

"Hold on Cam, I am working it."

"SAM, just move, I am going to blow it."

"No, Cam let me finish first."

"But, Sam, I can tell that this is going to be really messy."

"Cam!"

"Sssaaammm!"

"Cam, listen to me, I'm done," as she finished picking the lock. But out of the corner of her eye she saw Vala, Teal'c and Daniel peeking around the corner into the men's locker room.

Cam pushed her out of the way, opened the door to the supply closet, reached in and got as many rolls of toilet paper as he could grab. "Sam, just leave you don't want to be around for this."

As she was pulling the door shut, Sam reached for the switch beside the light switch to activate the overhead exhaust, but Daniel motioned her not to. Then Sam looked on with suspicion as Vala, Daniel and Teal'c exchanged high-fives in the hallway.

"O.K. what did you do?" she asked.

They all spoke at once and laid the blame elsewhere.

"It was her idea," said Daniel pointing at Vala.

"I believe that the idea started with her," Teal'c said pointing at Vala.

"It was their idea," said Vala pointing at both Daniel and Teal'c.

"Alright, alright, alright. Stop. I don't care whose idea it was. I just want to know what was done." Sam said raising her hands to stop their pointing. "Sheesh, all of a sudden I feel like with the three stooges or something." Noticing the odor as well as the sounds of relief emerging from behind the locker room door Sam said, "Come on, let's go to my lab to hear this."

Daniel laughed and said, "O.K. but wait a second." He produced a 'Do Not Disturb' sign from his back pocket and smugly hung it on the door.

When they were all seated in Sam's lab Sam said, "Now spill it."

The three stooges looked at each other and tried not to giggle (standing rule in Carter's lab – No Giggling).

Now she was getting frustrated, "is one of you going to tell me or not?"

Vala said, "O.K. I'll start. We or at least I –"

Daniel interrupted her, "No Vala, I'll start. You'll only get it confused. Walter mentioned to Vala that General Landry banned Mitchell from using any restroom near his office. He also said that the infirmary has been requesting air fresheners to be placed in their restroom and extra ventilating fans put in. Carolyn told me the other day that the 'Grannies Southern Greens' that Mitchell ate on P4X – 845 still haven't completly left his system. She said she hasn't quite figured out, but every time the Stargate starts to dial a wormhole he get stomach cramps and gets really bad diarrhea, even if he isn't even going through."

"SergeantSiler has confided in me that the smell makes him nauseas every time he has to check in at the infirmary," stated Teal'c.

"And I," said Vala, with a reproachful glance at Daniel, "have been reading about practical jokes on the internet and since you all, oh, what did Mitchell call it – uhm. Oh yeah, 'Punk'd' him about General O'Neill being his father."

Daniel gave her an exasperated look and said, "See I told you that you would make it sound all confused. Sam, Vala suggested that we pull a practical joke on Mitchell and remove all the toilet paper from all the men's rooms except the General's, of course. Then we got Siler to conveniently lose the keys to the supply closet. Then, Boom, Walter dials the gate for SG12's mission to PQ7 – R25, and here comes Mitchell running to the bathroom."

"Geez, you guys don't have anything better to do. Daniel, go find something to translate and take Vala. Teal'c, why don't you teach some of the newbies Kel'no'ream or something," Sam said, shooing them out of her lab. Then, as the door was shutting, she pulled out her cell phone and hit the speed dial for a long distance number in Washington, D.C. "Jack you have got to hear this. You'll never guess what they pulled on Cameron now. Let me tell you…"


End file.
